A Resource LESLIE C. AGUILAR That Stereotype Hurts COMMUNICATING RESPECTFULLY IN A DIVERSE WORLD

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— 1   — Communicating Respectfully in a Diverse World “We must be the change we want to see in the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi

— 2   — Ouch! That Stereotype Hurts © 2006 Leslie C. Aguilar No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher. International rights and foreign translations are available only through negotiation of a licensing agreement with the publisher. Inquiries regarding permission for use of the material contained in this book should be addressed to: The WALK THE TALK Company 2925 LBJ Freeway, Suite 201 Dallas, Texas  75234 972.243.8863 WALK THE TALK books may be purchased for educational, business, or sales promotion use. WALK THE TALK ® and The WALK THE TALK ® Company are registered trademarks of Performance Systems Corporation. Printed in the United States of America 10   9   8   7   6   5   4   3   2   1 Edited by Steve Ventura and Michelle Sedas Designed and Printed by Branch-Smith The Company Helping organizations achieve success through Ethical Leadership and Values-Based Business Practices www.walkthetalk.com

— 4   — Ouch! That Stereotype Hurts Communicating Respectfully in a Diverse World

— 5   — Communicating Respectfully in a Diverse World Table of Contents Introduction     9 We All Communicate 9 Isn’t This Just P.C.? 10 What Is Bias? 11 Communicating Respect and Inclusion 12 Chapter One: The Language of Inclusion    13 Self-Assessment 15 “You Know How They Are” – Stereotypes 16 The Effects of Stereotyping 17 How to Recognize Stereotypes 19 Eight Common Ways Stereotypes Surface and Are Perpetuated 20 Your Choice: Moving Past Stereotypes 21 Inclusive Language – Who Is Included? Excluded? 23 Naming and Describing People – Images Evoked 25 The “Turn-Around Test” 28 Jokes and Humor   29 Nonverbal Messages 30 Chapter Two: Communication Recovery – What to Do When Things Go Wrong     33 The Gift of Feedback 36 Communication Recovery – Six-Step Model 36 When You Know 38 Ask for Feedback 39 The Apology That Isn’t 39 Other Pitfalls to Avoid 40 It’s Not Always Pretty 41 Sometimes You Want to Open the Gift in Private 42 Continued on next page

Chapter Three: Speaking Up Against Bias Without Blame or Guilt     45 Silent Collusion 47 Who Can Do It? 49 Ally Behavior 49 What if It’s Too Risky? 49 Twelve Techniques for Taking Action Without Blame or Guilt 50 1)   Assume Good Intent / Explain Impact 50 2)   Say “Ouch!” 52 3)   Rephrase 52 4)   Ask a Question 53 5)   Repeat and Question 54 6)   Interrupt and Redirect 55 7)   Appeal to Empathy 55 8)   Name It 56 9)   Seek Contradictions 56 10)  Make It Individual 56 11)  Broaden to Universal Human Behavior 57 12)  Use the “I” Voice / Classic Feedback Process 58 Chapter Four: Planning for Inclusion     61 Advance Planning Checklist: Communicating Respect and Inclusion 64 Closing Thoughts     69 —  6  — Ouch! That Stereotype Hurts

— 7   — Communicating Respectfully in a Diverse World Acknowledgement T his book is dedicated to Joel Marks, who sees endless possibilities and then makes them happen. Thank you, Joel, for your thought partnership during the writing of Ouch! That Stereotype Hurts. I’m grateful to the individuals who first encouraged me to do this work  –  Jo Lamb, Bill MacKellar-Hertan, and Ruth Bond – and to the thousands of participants who have explored this topic with me in Inclusive Communication workshops over the last ten years. Your experiences and questions have helped to define and evolve the skills and techniques included in these pages. I’ve been inspired by your many sto- ries and the courage with which you have spoken up against bias and stereotypes. Thank you, Robin Heath, for first introducing me to the “Ouch!” technique. Thank you, Dr. Robin Johnson, for your passion and insight on bias-free communication. I am also indebted to a complete stranger – the disk jockey at a party – who showed me the power of a sole voice speaking up on behalf of respect. I will share his story in this book.

— 8   — Ouch! That Stereotype Hurts While we may never be completely free of all bias, we can work toward communicating in bias-free ways.

— 9   — Communicating Respectfully in a Diverse World Introduction We All Communicate T hink  that  communication  is  only  for  communication  departments?  Think again. Everyone communicates. Whether you are a team leader, team member, educator, machine operator, supervisor, executive, customer service rep, or account- ant, you need to communicate with other people to be successful in your job. Think your communication is always bias-free? Think that you are equally respect- ful and effective with a “diverse” range of people – people who are similar to you and people who are different? These are tougher questions and the true answers may surprise you. Chances are very high your communication has some degree of bias in it. Occasionally, you may send messages that some people are valued and some are not. And, there’s a good chance you sometimes exclude or stereotype people, even though you don’t intend to. The fact is – people are naturally biased. Not only “those people over there,” but also you and me. And we have a tendency to let some of our biases slip into com- munication,  consciously  or  unconsciously.  When  that  happens,  everyone  loses. Relationships suffer. Cooperation decreases. Your ability to lead or influence others diminishes. Those who feel demeaned and excluded often “drop out.”  They stop listening. They may even stop respecting you. The result: All too frequently, your intended message never gets through. Not good! Biased,  stereotypical,  or  otherwise  demeaning  communication  also  undermines morale, teamwork, and productivity in your organization. It can drive customers away. It can cause a public relations fiasco. And, it could be interpreted as an indicator of a hostile workplace – exposing you to the nightmare of legal action. Even if you never

— 10   — Ouch! That Stereotype Hurts have a lawsuit, bias and stereotyping certainly do not contribute to an environment where employees can do their best work. The great news is that each of us can choose to communicate more effectively. We can identify our own biases, explore ways to reduce them, and work to communi- cate in more inclusive, bias-free ways. That’s what this book is about. Ouch! That Stereotype Hurts will help you: • Improve your written and verbal communication by eliminating communication “static.” • Ensure your message gets across – while conveying respect for others. • Gain insight into the impact of your language choices. • Learn ways to successfully recover when you’ve put your foot in your mouth. • Speak up effectively if others stereotype or make biased or demeaning comments. • Enhance your credibility and influence as a communicator. Whether you are coming from the head – looking for practical tips and proven tech- niques – or from the heart – understanding and sincerely caring about how you affect others – use this book to help you be the communicator you want and need to be. Isn’t This Just P.C.? I’m sometimes asked if paying close attention to one’s words and nonverbal com- munication is simply being “Politically Correct.”  My answer: “No, it’s about a dif- ferent  ‘P.C.’ It’s  about  being  ‘Professionally  Competent’…  being  ‘Personally Conscious.’ ”  And, it’s about respect. Bias-free, inclusive communication is both professional and humane – both competent and caring – and helps the message reach a diverse range of listeners.

— 11   — Communicating Respectfully in a Diverse World What Is Bias? Bias means a predisposition to see things or people in a certain way. You can be biased toward some people and predisposed to see them in a positive light. Likewise, you can  be  predisposed  to  see  others  in  a  negative  light,  based  on  their  appearance, group kinships, or differences from you. Bias is an internal belief. It is a mental prejudgment, positive or negative, made about an individual. It’s not until you act it out in speech and behavior that others receive the impact. Consider the potential effects of the following words and actions: • The team leader who says: “Let Jen work the holiday. She’s single; she doesn’t have a family.” Effects: discounting (treating as less valuable), unfair treat- ment of single employees • The colleague who demonstrates interest or respect only to people in man- agement, while ignoring or talking down to entry-level employees. Effects: discounting of entry-level staff, “us versus them” divisions between man- agement and employees, communication breakdowns • The manager who hires only young, “attractive” females for customer serv- ice roles. Effects: potential mismatch of talent and job, discrimination against other equally or more qualified candidates • The sales associate who treats shoppers of other races or ethnic groups with suspicion, watching them as if they were shoplifters. Effects: poor customer service, lost sales, potential discrimination • The executive who unknowingly schedules the department retreat on Yom Kippur and, when told of this, says, “Well, unfortunately, we’ll have to keep that date – it’s the only good day available.” Effects: exclusion of employees, loss of team cohesion

The message embedded in all of these examples is that some humans are inherent- ly less valuable, less worthwhile, somehow less deserving of human dignity than others. These types of biased words and actions add unnecessary distractions or stat- ic to the message. Over and above impeding clear communication, bias can result in loss of speaker credibility, low employee morale and teamwork, poor customer service and sales, turnover of employees, unfair treatment of others, and discrimi- nation.  That’s  why  it  is  important  to  recognize  and  eliminate  biased  words  and behaviors. Communicating Respect and Inclusion While we may never be completely free of all bias, we can work toward communi- cating in bias-free ways that are most likely to respect and include the listener. The following pages will show you how. In Chapter One you will gain insight into the ways you may unintentionally con- vey bias or exclusion in your written or spoken message. You will explore guidelines to help you achieve bias-free communication. Chapter Two will show you what to do when things go wrong – when you have mistakenly said something demeaning and your foot is in your mouth.  In Chapter Three you will learn twelve techniques for  speaking  up  against  bias  and  stereotypes  without  blame  or  guilt.  And,  in Chapter Four you’ll discover how advance planning can help ensure that you com- municate respect and inclusion (being a valued member of the group). Throughout  Ouch!  That  Stereotype  Hurts,  you  will  find  many  practical  models, strategies, and examples that you can apply to enhance your communication suc- cess in a diverse world. In doing so, you will also help create a workplace where all individuals are treated with respect and are able to do their best work. — 12   — Ouch! That Stereotype Hurts